Desolation…

Flashback (2004):  I’m standing in the shower…the water masking my tears as they rolled down my cheeks and muffled the sound of my uncontrollable weeping; standing there in one of the most vulnerable moments I could recall. I was wondering if this is what marriage was supposed to be like. My wife could not understand how the constant drinking and partying was taking a toll on our relationship. She was drinking daily and an influx of people were at our house constantly partying…the party’s seemingly getting longer and more frequent each week…never stopping until the middle of the week. We never did anything together anymore – we were always surrounded by people…always drinking…never living life…I was so sad…so hurt…so desolate…

Present:  On January 15, 2011 I made a final decision to seek a separation and divorce from my wife after 8 yrs. of marriage. During that time, the only joy that I would say we truly experienced as husband and wife was the birth of our beautiful daughter. This seemed to bring us back together, we reconnected…but it was short-lived. The underlying hurt and anger we caused each other could not be salvaged and series of events led to the demise of our marriage – differing needs/wants, infidelity, addiction…

The final straw was that my wife had found new multiple loves; alcohol, oxycodone…and for the trifecta…another man *sigh*. The last 2-3 years of our relationship seemed to have elements of a daytime soap opera, a level of drama that I often wonder how I endured. This whole ordeal sucked the life out of me, it changed me…changed me in such a way that the only option was to leave…to regain myself before I became lost forever…

As I reflect on the whole experience, I can’t quite figure out what made me stay and endure for as long as I did, but there are many lessons that have come from this experience and now have started to find some peace with it all…accepting that my marriage was not going to be a fairy tale ending. There are so many complexities in these situations…so many details …some worth sharing…some not. But in time, I will chronicle those experiences and how they continue to shape me…how I have evolved…

until next time…

3 thoughts on “Desolation…

  1. Pingback: Please Press Start | The Chronicles

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